In our reflection today, we will talk about kindness A characteristic desired by all, but exercised only by a few.

In our content we will discuss what it is to be kind, how to be kind, and, in addition, some practical examples to inspire you!

To begin with, what does 'kindness' mean?

The meaning of kindness is, broadly speaking, the quality of what is gentle and kind .

We don't have to go to great lengths to explain what this means; after all, we can all identify a kind person.

She is always smiling when talking to someone, does good deeds, is polite and does not speak harshly.

Inclusive, The actions of kind people are also called "kindnesses".

Freud's concept of kindness

For Freud, there is a primitive human tendency to instinctively seek pleasure at all costs. This occurs early in our childhood, when the id stands out as the psychic instance .

In time, we notice that there is also a dimension of pleasure that is social, that is, the conviviality with other people can bring us satisfaction and protection. This is when the superego Kindness can be understood as a form of this coexistence.

We can understand that, although it deprives us of part of our satisfaction (generating what Freud would call "uneasiness"), social coexistence is for Freud a civilizing or cultural conquest. This is because there are benefits that the individual extracts from human relations: learning, affection, food, division of labor, etc. One cannot impose sexual desires against the will of the partner, nor can oneOn the other hand, kindness is a socially appreciated conduct, because it favors social bonding.

This theme is explored in depth by Freud in The Unease of Being in Culture.

Winnicott's concept of kindness

For the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the baby is totally dependent on its mother. In the beginning, it cannot even distinguish itself from its mother. This is what Winnicott calls the mother-baby unit.

As time goes by, the baby begins to see himself as a different being, and begins to have a reciprocal relationship with his mother, which we could call "kindness". This is the phase of reciprocal identification: "I see, I am seen, therefore I exist", the baby would think.

For example, when the baby puts his finger in his mother's mouth, for Winnicott this would represent an attempt to repay the mother for breastfeeding him.

"Will you do me a kindness?"

When we say thank you for a compliment, we can say, "Thank you for your kindness", and when we want to ask for something simple but annoying, we formulate the request in the following way: "Could you do me a kindness?

We realize in our society that the orders with the verb in the imperative are seen as less kind Example:

• Open this door!

On the other hand, less imposing linguistic marks are seen as kindness practices. Orders or requests are kinder: when an order or request is turned into a question, or uses the future tense ("could"), carries "please" marks, or is an indirect request. These are kinder linguistic forms:

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• In the form of a question: Can you open the door?
• Using the verb in the future tense: Could you open the door?
• Including the requester in the "we": We can open the door?
• Minimizing with affectionate words, such as diminutives: Can we open the door a little bit?
• Including "please" or "kindly": Please, can you open the door?
• Using a feature of pragmatic linguistics to ask another person to perform an action: This room is a bit stuffy and hot. (expecting the interlocutor to interpret it as: "open the door").

'Kindness' or 'gentleness'?

The word 'gentilesa' is not grammatical in Portuguese, so be careful not to replace the Z with the S in this case The correct spelling is 'kindness' in any context!

Can excessive kindness be pathological?

We may think that you can never be too kind. However, if this implies submission and exploitation of the kind person, this may be a pathological psychic and/or social sign.

For example, one has to wonder if too much kindness can be:

• Submission to physical or psychological force that another person exerts on the kind person.
• Sign of insecurity, low self-esteem, or fear of rejection on the part of the gentle person, signs of a weakened ego.
• Of a manipulative nature : in cases of a tendency to psychopathic posturing, kindness can be a "weapon".
• Sign of sacrificing oneself for the other There are people who accept physical or psychological pain because they believe that, in this way, they will be exempting a dear relative from suffering. This is what the author Bert Hellinger called love at the edge of the cliff .

Despite these warnings, we understand that it is possible starting from the premise that kindness is important and sincere Especially in these times when more and more people complain about people's lack of kindness.

7 very practical examples of kindness to implement in your daily life

Now that we have talked about what kindness is and explained how to spell the word correctly, let's discuss some examples of how to be kind in everyday life.

Not all of these tips that we will give here are known by everyone. After all, if they were, kindness would be a rule - not the exception.

So read each one carefully because by incorporating them into your everyday behavior, people will find it easier to get along with you and will greatly appreciate your company!

1 - Listen before you speak

One of the greatest acts of kindness you can use in your daily life is to let people finish their reasoning before you speak.

In a conversation, it is very unpleasant when we are interrupted, isn't it? If it is something unpleasant for us, we need to understand that the same feeling arises in our interlocutor.

When talking to someone, respect conversational turns, that is, the turn of the person who is speaking. When you interrupt, you are "stealing" the turn of the person who was communicating before.

Interrupting and talking over are acts that suggest impoliteness and rude behavior, so avoid them and try not to replicate them in your personal or professional interactions.

2 - Smile when interacting with someone

A very simple gesture that shows kindness, but which can be very difficult for other people, is to smile when communicating.

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Contrary to what you may think, Smiling is not always a demonstration of innocence and superficiality. In some contexts, yes, excessive smiling can be uncomfortable. For example, it is awkward to talk while smiling at a funeral.

However, in everyday interactions, if you don't smile, you send a message that may be wrong.

For example, your co-workers may think you don't like them. Your bosses may think you are unhappy. Your wife may think you don't love her anymore. Your employees may consider you an arrogant person.

The kindness present in a smile eliminates all these possibilities.

3 - When you see someone in need of help, offer to help

We cannot always act like a "Good Samaritan", but we cannot exempt ourselves from helping people all the time.

It is part of the "protocol of kindness" to identify people's needs and offer to help them. If we enjoy receiving other people's attention and help, why would we refuse to help in our turn to reach out?

This is a great time to say that kindness and self-centeredness do not go well together Kindness implies attention to the other, that is, it goes beyond the limits of the ego to see someone.

4 - Praise sincerely

Complimenting is also a gesture of kindness, and it is even more difficult to acquire than smiling because it requires a certain amount of attention to look for characteristics in someone that are worthy of a compliment.

However, even though it is difficult, Do the exercise of looking for positive characteristics even in people with whom you have less affinity.

Your compliment need not refer to a physical characteristic. Feel free, for example, to admire professional skills and genuine talents.

A sincere compliment, given with intention, brightens anyone's day because it gives the person receiving the kindness the nice feeling that they have been seen and admired.

5 - Have the patience to listen to people

We have already talked about listening before speaking, but here listening takes on another dimension in the protocol of kindness.

We are talking about lending your ears to someone, specifically.

We know that people's day-to-day lives are usually hectic and we don't even have time to listen to our own thoughts once in a while.

Still, it is important to find the time to talk sincerely with those we love and who are important to us.

It is up to you to determine the criteria for listening to someone, but remember that it will be a kindness that is extremely well received by those who can count on your attentive listening.

6 - When visiting someone, always take a souvenir

If you are going to visit someone, first of all communicate that you are going, because this is an important rule of etiquette.

In this context, it is an act of kindness to return the host's good will with a simple token.

You can, for example, take:

• some flowers,
• a good wine,
• a tasty dessert.

The important thing is to manifest, through this little gift, the sincere intention to repay the kindness of receiving you.

7 - Be polite

Finally, an important guideline regarding politeness is to seek instruction in the rules of etiquette and good manners.

They help regulate your social interaction and turn your interactions into pleasant and memorable moments for those around you.

It is not necessary that you become an expert, but that you know how to identify the most appropriate way to behave in each context that presents itself to you.

Final thoughts on the importance of kindness

We hope you have enjoyed our content on the definition of kindness and practical guidelines for behaving like a kind person in your daily life.

Kindness and how it makes us feel is part of human behavior studies so it is an interesting object of study for us at Clinical Psychoanalysis.

To see other similar content about kindness But to learn more about human behavior and its nuances through psychoanalysis, enroll today in our EAD course in clinical psychoanalysis. At the end, you can practice as a psychoanalyst or just take advantage of the teaching in your personal life and in the profession you already practice We are waiting for you!